Crabs

You cannot teach a crab to walk straight.
~Aristophanes

Another crustacean deity.

True crabs are decapod crustaceans of the order Brachyura. Ranging in girth from a few millimeters wide to spans over 12 feet, crabs are generally covered with a hard exoskeleton, and display a single pair of chelae (claws), dactyls (movable fingers) and four other pairs of legs. If a predator grabs a leg, crabs simply shed it only to rejuvenate the limb later. They are found in all of the world’s oceans, although many species live terrestially and/or inhabit fresh waters.

Sexually dimorphised, males have larger claws and a narrow, triangular abdomen, while females have a broader, rounded abdomen which is naturally contoured for brooding fertilized eggs. Due to joint structure, crabs typically have a sidelong gait yet they can burrow and swim.

Despite a reputation for culinary purity, crabs are scavenging omnivores, grazing on algae, mollusks, worms, fellow crustaceans, fungi, bacteria, and decaying organic matter. Aimless, promiscuous bottom feeders. In spite of or perhaps by reason of their diet, crabs are ambrosial on the back end.

A gastronomic and not a biological phrase, soft shell crabs are simply those critters which have recently molted their old undersized exoskeleton (carapace) and are still soft, succulent yet slightly crispy in texture. Maryland Blue crabs molt between mid-May and late September, and the new shell is exquisitely tender. The crabs fast several days before molting, so their systems are relatively purified when retrieved.

Soft shell crabs should be bought live and cooked the day they are purchased. Have your fishmonger clean them.  But, should I sense guilt because one of them was not quite dead when I doused them in buttermilk? He/she finally passed.

By the way, do eat the whole thing…barefoot, with bare fingers and une flûte de champagne in the other hand, while your eyes roll back into your head.

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